hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
