Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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