Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
