I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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