If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
