just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
