how can u be prego again
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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