Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
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I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
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I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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