He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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