I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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