You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize