Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
