go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
