just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
