Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
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So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
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I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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