her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
