I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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