Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
