Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
