you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
