you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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