She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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