I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
