If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
