I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
