there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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