Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
