yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
