you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
