Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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