I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
