the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
