I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
