Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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