i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
