i just wanna soil my oats bro
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
