Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
i think my cat just said my name.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
