Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
