My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
even my farts smell like vagina
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
