Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
