I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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