The beer is more important than you right now.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
