Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Drake has all the answers
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
