i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
