I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
