i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
