I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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