Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
