sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
