I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
