she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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