This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
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I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
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Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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