it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
When are your genitals available?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
