break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
