Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
