Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
