He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
