it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
